Happy to be Crying
Today, soaking up the warmth of the sun and slowly walking through gentle breezes with eyes closed, I smiled as I remembered an Easter poem I wrote to my nephew and his wife. It was a short and sweet one which made my smile grow wider because it conveyed exactly what I wanted it to say
I miss watching you both and seeing the love,
Sparkling like shooting stars far above
Immersed in each word, action, and breath,
What a beautiful life in your love and there’s more to come yet!
A melancholy heart soon replaced my bright smile as I remembered Michael from high school. We danced, talked and laughed together non-stop, and I wondered if it wasn’t for my father raping me, that maybe, just maybe, I would have gone out with him. Then, maybe, just maybe, I might have fallen in love with him and realized that I never had anything in common with the boy I liked in high school which never worked out and maybe that’s why I liked him. Then maybe, just maybe, I’d be getting poems like the one I just wrote.
Another smile emerged as I remembered my best friend from high school, Orlando, a sweet, soft-spoken boy. He became the brother I wish mine had been, but my father soon brought that all to an end. Back in the day when there were only landlines, my father traumatized me when he answered the phone and heard Orlando’s voice ask for me. He swore up and down at the top of his voice in English and Spanish. Mortified, I could barely speak to Orlando after that because I was so embarrassed. He ruined my childhood, and he ruined my high school years beyond what I ever imagined.
I wouldn’t say I had a good cry, but I cried a lot. My lungs and my entire body was so exhausted, I could barely get up and walk around. It was the kind of crying that made you feel like someone just beat you up which he did emotionally.
I’m worn out, but I’m glad I cried because that means I’m human. My emotions aren't numb anymore, and I’m in control now. I’m still the optimistic, peaceful and happy person I’ve always been, so in the end I win.
What about love? I’m praying every day for it, and I know like everything else God will provide. Meanwhile, you’ll find me dancing and singing Happy along with Pharrell Williams. I hope you’ll join me.